Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Soap is not a condiment
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is the high leading the old right now
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
