If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
my nose is crying tears of wow.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
