she was so not down for the gang bang
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
