oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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