And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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