I cockslap morals
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
