K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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