There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
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as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
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You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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