Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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