Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
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He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You took a bar mat shot.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
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