mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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