I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I wish you could order shots online.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
