I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
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