He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
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Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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