It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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