He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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