Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
