I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
