What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Someone came in the potted fern
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
