Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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