I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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