I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
