Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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