Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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