I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
