I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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