I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
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No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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