Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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