I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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