my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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