can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
