The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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