My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
