dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
