Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
