This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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