piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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