"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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