Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
