actually, I'm a sock model
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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