I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
