We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Randomize
