Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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