Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
