Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
