The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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