so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
