and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Found the puke drawer
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
