The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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