Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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