I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
