I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
