There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
