I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
