Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize